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I don’t care about easy; I care about worthwhile.

My mind was wandering today, and I got to thinking about the efforts I’ve made to maintain relationships in my life. I began to laugh to myself, because I realized that I've visited more friends in foreign countries and states very far from my current home in this past year than I have visited with friends who are just a few hours’ drive from me. I thought about what this says about me. Obviously, there is the excitement of discovering a new place, the ways the experience can enrich my life, etc., but I’m also considering the effort, the monetary cost, the energetic costs that I’ve put into physically being with those I care about. I’ve arrived at a place in my life where I no longer limit myself to possibilities that are right in front of me and essentially already in my grasp – both literally and figuratively. If some place, someone, some situation is not serving me, I will not accept it. I will not accept it, no matter how convenient, practical, or “necessary” it may be. I quite literally cannot accept it. I wasn’t always this way. But now, I’ve tasted freedom. I’ve drank from that gorgeous, nourishing cup that exists only for me, made by me. Once you’ve leaned over the pot, stirred it, brewed it, steeped it, taste tested, strained it, grasped it in your palms to feel its warmth, breathed its aroma deep into your lungs, and taken that first sip, there’s no going back. This isn’t to say that I don’t believe in the beauty and pertinence of what is placed within our reach. We meet people and are given so many wonderful potential paths everywhere we go, but it’s all about choices. It’s all about tapping into how what is presenting itself to you makes you feel.


Now that I am here, with this ability to discern what is and is not for me, I’d like to reflect upon what got me here. I’d like to drop into deep gratitude for all the moments of having zero fucking clue of what was and was not for me. I’d like to drop into deep gratitude for all the “mistakes” (redirections), the trial and error (which never truly ends), the breakdowns, and the questioning of who the fuck I am. I am grateful for the confusion, but right now, I’m a bit more grateful for my clarity. I’m clear about the fact that I am willing to put in the work for what matters to me. I will not limit myself. Physical barriers, mental barriers, financial barriers, emotional barriers - can all be overcome.


There was a time in my life, not so long ago, that I was stuck in very limiting thought patterns. I thought that I needed to stay with the partner I was with at that time, because I feared who I was by myself. I feared myself because deep down I knew just how powerful and capable of a woman I am. Meanwhile, I was fulfilled in no ways by this person. I depleted my energy reserves daily to fuel their vision of who I was supposed to be for them. I feared the judgment from others over a failed relationship. I had become addicted to being seen a certain way. All I could feel during that time was that I was being seen in so many ways, but that none of them were who I truly was. This was painful. I worked a job that left me feeling like a lifeless corpse that needed to be inflated and have the color painted back onto its face each morning. I continued this pattern of pain for quite some time. I didn’t know how to release myself and step into my true power. As all things do, sooner or later, the toxicity of this dynamic reared its ugly head, and I walked away. I more so crawled away. I crawled with the little bit of myself that I had left. I questioned everything. I even tried to return. Luckily, little by little, I began to find activities, people, practices, and energies that do serve me. The point of relaying my most recent struggles is to demonstrate what it took for me to finally value what is worthwhile in my life. Not just in romantic relationships, but in the work I do in this world, the art I create, the words I write, the mouths I kiss, the fabrics that touch my skin, the nutrients that enter my body, the eyes I look into, the movement of my body, how I feel inside my own mind…all the elements that comprise my existence.


There is no more compromising, not for me. I now understand the power of choice. For so long, I relinquished my power to choose. I allowed others to direct my life and just went with what was easy. I took the first opportunity that presented itself most days. I was a product of my environment, instead of actively creating my environment to serve my needs. In case you haven’t figured this out yet, there are no shortcuts that lead to true fulfillment. Now, I savor the wait. I savor declining what is not 100% for me. I savor only working and flowing when I feel inspired to do so. I savor nourishing what nourishes me.

I don’t see obstacles anymore. I only see opportunities to prove myself to myself. We pay for what we want in life, and then life turns around and rewards us with abundant joy. The type of joy that you can’t really find words for. The kind that brings you so much, but above all else, peace. I get to breathe in authenticity and fall asleep each night knowing that I am telling my truth to the world. That is a privilege that I have earned. It is a privilege that I must work to maintain. This type of work isn’t like checking off a to-do list or gathering items for a scavenger hunt. These treasures are elusive and in many ways intangible, but so there, all at once. This work is not something that someone else can do for you. This work presents itself and as always, you choose to take it on or not. You write the contract. You sign the W-2. You determine your worthiness of that promotion, and there’s no lying to yourself. Even if you try to, I think we all know how that ends.


The value of my time and energy has skyrocketed. I only give my time and energy to projects and people that are worthwhile. I will stay in my own energy for as long as it takes. I will stay in my own energy until I feel something worthy of my energy has presented itself. Alone is not lonely. I hold the knowing that this is all temporal in my heart. This clarity is delicious, but so is my trust. I trust that what comes next for me is even more delicious and aligned than what came before. I enjoy my clarity, but I do not cling to it. I understand that living in alignment rewards us with more and more of what we truly want. Releasing easy from my life was not easy and keeping myself from returning to it is a constant practice. Like any practice, the more we do it, the better we get at it. We either accept our normal or we create our normal. Why not create a normal that is full of purpose, fulfillment, and truth?


Clearly Yours,

Eden


Photo Credit: Brandi Bohlman, Roots Revival Photography, @rootsrevivalphoto


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